Author: MLMacomber (Page 2 of 3)

What did you say? Can you repeat that? 

You might hear me say this when my husband tries to talk to me when I’m on the computer. Or maybe he says it to me when he is lost in his book, and I interrupt his designated morning reading time. After 20-plus years of marriage, it isn’t said in anger but as a reminder that tuning in and taking time to hear your spouse is vital.

Being a good listener is a daily requirement for so many of us. So how can we grow that skill and be even better? Here are a few tips.

Stop Talking

You can’t be a good listener if you are always talking. Pause and let your conversation partner say what they need to say. This may mean physically biting your lip or gripping your teeth together. Whatever it takes. For extreme cases, ask a friend to give a discreet sign when you need to stop talking. Maybe touching an earlobe or looking at their watch. 

Eye Contact

Now that you’ve stopped talking focus on your body language. First, look the other person in the eye. Keep your concentration on them. Don’t look out the window or around the room. If the environment is distracting, suggest moving to a different location or having the conversation at a different time. 

Repeat Back

I know that Michael is really engaged in the conversation when he remembers what I’ve said. This doesn’t mean he recites my words verbatim. He listens and then says it back in his own words so I have confirmation that what I have communicated makes sense. This is especially important if the conversation is turning a little tenser. Hearing what I’ve said come back to me validates me (or possibly makes me pause to consider if that is really what I meant). 

Question

Asking follow-up questions is similar to repeating back and is another good way to demonstrate you are listening. Asking simple questions to show you are turned in helps the other person feel like what they are saying is valuable. When you go to think of a question, build on what they have said. “You mentioned that it was difficult to find a part. Why is that?” “I heard you say that the trip was delayed. What happened?”

But don’t focus so much on what questions to ask that you miss what is being said. “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” ― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. 

Practice

Make it a game. There are daily opportunities to start a conversation with a new person and practice your skills. The next time you are in line at the grocery store or on a bus. Maybe you get to a meeting early or in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. See if you can start a conversation and then just listen. Hear what the other person has to say. Keep the information about your own life minimal. The goal of the game is to walk away knowing more about the other person than they know about you. 

Keep your thoughts on track

As you listen, it may be challenging to think of questions without your thoughts drifting. To avoid this resume, focus simply on their words. If I’m really struggling with staying in the moment, I will mentally repeat every word to myself, of course. This helps me to stay on track with the conversation. Then when there is a pause, I can repeat back what they said or just give a confirmation. 

Read all about it

My first recommendation for anyone wanting to be a better listener is to read How to Win Friends and Influence People. Despite being written in the last century, Dale Carnegie gives timeless advice for connecting with people by hearing what they have to say. A newer book that will provide you with some ideas is You’re not listening: what you’re missing and why it matters by Kate Murphy.

I hope these tips help you be a better listener today. Let me know what tips I missed or what you appreciate in a great listener. 

So a friend asked me today about the process I use for strategic planning and goal setting – well, I’m not sure if she asked but I was excited to share with her. This is an outline that anyone could use. 

First 15 minutes

Review the prior year. What went really well? I go through my calendar and see what types of things filled my days. Am I happy with them? What would I do different? 

Minutes 16 to 20

Pull out a sheet of paper (or use my Goal Planning & Tracking template). Now take 4 minutes and set three focus points for the upcoming year. Do you want to go somewhere? Do you want to learn a language? Doing this quickly will help you see what is really important. Need inspiration? I imagine the one thing I want to say about my year when it is over. “This was the year I finally …” or “I loved that I completed ____ this year.” 

Minutes 21 to 40

Now that you have your focus goals now work backwards. In order for your first goal to happen in December what needs to happen by November? What needs to happen by July? Be realistic.  For example: I want to publish 100 blog posts by the end of the year. That means I need to publish 50 by June and 25 by March. I put those mileposts on my calendar in the appropriate months. 

Minutes 41 to 55

Now set a weekly goal to accomplish your monthly goal. In my example above if I need to write 100 blog posts by the end of the year I need to complete 9 (or so) in January. So for the first week of January maybe my goal is to brainstorm 9 ideas and schedule time to outline my first post. 

Last 5 minutes

Set a date to check on how you are doing for your weekly goals. Preferably, you want someone to do this with – a spouse or accountability partner. Choose someone who is reliable and is interested in doing her own goal planning. This can be done in-person or just a simple phone call. 

Whew! Take a deep breath. 

Disclaimer: Don’t get caught in the details with this. Do you need four hours for step one? Go for it. And don’t worry if what you come up with in January doesn’t look the same in March or August. Adjust. Do what works for you. 

Go Live a Life Well Read!

The holidays have come and gone and so has that tray of Christmas cookies that were sitting on the kitchen counter. Health regrets are a common occurrence after the holidays. So how can you get back on track after ignoring your healthy routines? 

Here are my 5 tips for getting back to health after the holidays. 

1. Start fresh

It’s okay to have some setbacks. Own it and move on. Admit your setbacks and unemotionally review what went wrong as well as what went right. Did you say yes to a few holiday treats? Did you eat a few veggies during the holiday party? Did you go for a walk after Christmas dinner? Be thorough about what happened. 

2. Set a time to start again. 

Don’t keep saying, “I’ll start tomorrow” or “I’ll get back to better eating Monday.” Set a specific date and stick with it. And don’t be afraid to make that date now or Wednesday or the 29th. You don’t have to wait for the new year or the beginning of the week. Do whatever works for you. 

3. Make a battle plan

Review the list you made of what went right and what went wrong. Create specific strategies for moving forward. Was the breakroom candy dish your downfall? Maybe start chewing gum at work so chocolate doesn’t taste as good. Go for a walk instead of going to the break room. Be specific about how you will battle this obstacle to better health after the holidays. 

4. Set Accountability

Now that you have a plan, call in reinforcements. Who is someone on your friends list who you can let in on the strategy? Give them a call and let them know what your goal is and when they should check back with you. Be clear about what you need from them. Encouragement? Tough love? Listening ear? 

5. Reward yourself

Making the switch back to health after the holidays is difficult. Be kind to yourself. Plan a special treat or a shopping trip. Maybe a massage or manicure. Do something to make the pain of getting back on track after the holidays worth it in the short term while you wait for the long-term benefits. 

You can do this! Go live well!